Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, etc.

When thinking about objects in my life, I look around my room, the environment that I start from every morning and return to every night. What have I got? A lot of books, some stuffed animals, my whiteboard, and… the big, beautiful Kurzgesagt periodic table hanging on the wall above my desk. As nerdy as it sounds, the periodic table conveys a big chunk of my life.

The Periodic Table by Kurzgesagt

I still remember my very first periodic table. I was living in Edwardsville, Illinois at the time and, because my parents worked at the university in town, my older brother and I got all kinds of discounts for camps and swimming lessons. One summer, around the age of 7, I attended a science camp. The memories of 7-year-olds are notoriously spotty but I do remember making slime and learning about polymerization. To simulate crosslinking, our group all held hands to form a line and then reached out one hand to random people until we were a jumbled pile of limbs. I remember launching our own model rockets and watching how high they could go (and mourning the few that didn’t take off). I don’t remember the day they handed out that periodic table but I remember what it looked like. The cardstock was bright red with green, blue, grey, and yellow blocks delineating each group (alkalis, transition metals, nonmetals, lanthanides, etc.). 

That summer camp was one of my first tangible STEM experiences - next is my dad trying and failing to explain algebra to me at 7 years old. As I got older, I got a little obsessed with chemistry. I looked into courses online about atoms, molecules, and periodic trends. Back then, it only half made sense, seeing as I didn’t have the necessary background to understand these topics. But back then, it wasn’t for a grade or to prove my intelligence, it was just fun exploring the foundations of the universe. This interest in chemistry concepts was paired with a love for making well-intentioned messes. I would take Crayola markers and break them open so I could get the ink-filled sponge inside. I didn’t do much with it except get purple ink all over the bathroom sink. 

Sadly, my original periodic has been lost to the sands of time. I’ve had many periodic tables since then, the biggest of which has been hanging on my bedroom wall above my desk for the past 2 years. 

Sometimes, I look back at little Aya and feel like she was such a weirdo. I often felt odd for knowing really early that STEM topics interested me. It’s so easy to look back at our younger selves with embarrassment and try to compensate by changing who we are. We’re all seeking to “glow up” not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. But when we look at our lives and only see works in progress, we value ourselves less, we forget that we always have worth. Looking back on my love of chemistry and thinking about all the weird nerdy stuff that I used to do makes me love and appreciate the young Aya. I admire all her ambition, all her excitement and I try my best to channel that now, in a life that’s busier, more complicated, and where I’m more riddled with self-doubt. I think we all need to find more compassion and admiration for our younger selves. Because we’re never going to be perfect and there’s beauty and every moment we are ourselves. There’s beauty in every opportunity we take to try something new. I try to repeat this mantra to myself so that when I stare at my big periodic table, I remember the little girl who fell in love with it.